Charles Bronson kicks so much ass. He starred in hundreds of movies and about 90% of them had "Death" in the title. Death Hunt, Messenger of Death, Death Wish... Yeah, there's no arguing that he is one tough bastard. Just take a look at his face:



His face is so tough and leathery, it looks like it is made from old baseball gloves. The reason Bronson has such a tough face is because it is calloused from excessive head-butting. This one time, Bronson was crossing a busy freeway to get to Taco Bell when he got hit by a truck. The truck dragged him about a quarter mile before it stopped, the whole time Bronson's face was scraping against the pavement, sending up sparks and leaving a quarter mile gash in the road. After the truck stopped, Bronson got up, dusted himself off, broke the truck driver's back in three places, and ate some chalupas. His face was none the worse for wear.

Keeping his face so tough was all part of Bronson's daily work out plan. Every morning, Bronson used to get up, shatter 100 cinder blocks with his face, then go get breakfast. For breakfast he would chase down a bear or crocodile or something on his huge ranch, kill it by bludgeoning it with his face or by breaking its spine over his knee, cook it with his fire breath, then eat the whole thing along with a big bowl of rusty pieces of steel and iron. He would wash it all down with a tall glass of rum. Then Bronson went off to work which consisted of looking around Hollywood for some more movies about death he could star in. If there were no death movies coming out, he would threaten all the producers, then go to his other job which was vigilantism, an occupation which the Bible (according to Crom) describes as "among the noblest of vocations."

Bronson continued to star in movies about killing until he was quite old. He was already in his seventies when he made Death Wish 5. His rugged lifestyle, strict adherence to the Pirate Food Pyramid, and years of bloodshed kept him vigorous. But a few years ago, he realized he was getting old, and since old people suck hard, Bronson decided to die. He went straight to Hell, head-butt Satan so hard he exploded, and now spends most of his time tormenting the damned and rocking out with Randy Rhoads.


Bronson Stories:

Bronson and the Loch Ness Monster

Bronson and the Man in the Moon

Lego Bronson


Back to the Righteousness