I’ve decided to start my own religion. From now on I will worship Crom. For those of you who suck, Crom was Conan’s god. If you haven’t seen Conan The Barbarian, then your first step towards converting to a Follower of Crom is to go watch that movie.

Now, the movie was very vague on the religion of Crom. Here is what I know:

-Followers of Crom must learn the Rule of Steel. What exactly this is is a mystery. Conan’s dad talks about it a little, and so does James Earl Jones, but none of it makes much sense. In the end, I think you just get to make it up yourself.

-Crom is pleased by fighting and killing, I mean who isn’t?

-Crom likes abusing animals. I base this off of the scene where Arnold, in a drunken stupor, is quick to anger and punches a camel in the mouth and knocks it out. Crom may have had nothing to do with this scene, but I am sure he was laughing as hard as I was.

-Crom lives on a mountain.

-Whenever you are confused, you should say “Crom!”

-You don’t really need to pray to Crom much, but if you ever do, do so in a very rude and disrespectful manner. Example:

Quoting Arnold: “Grant me Revenge! And if you do not listen, then the Hell with you!”

Pray like this and Crom will be pleased.

As for the rest of what this religion is all about, I’ll just make it up. And what gives me the right to make up my own religion? Well, if a bunch of fat ugly girls can make up a bunch of bullshit, pretend to be witches, and then have it recognized as a legitimate religion(Wiccans), I think I should be afforded the same opportunity with my religion.

So, with that in mind, I decide that followers of Crom should drink constantly. Just like how Indians are allowed to get high so they can get “messages from the Great Spirit” which is a fancy way of describing what happens when you are stoned off your ass and you hallucinate. Followers of Crom will drink lots of beer and liquor in order to get messages from Crom. Crom’s messages come in the form of slurred speech and throwing up. Flip Cup and Beer Pong count as Crom worship.

Followers of Crom delight in smashing and breaking things. Destruction makes Crom smile. And I guess this goes hand in hand with the previous point about drinking.

Crom likes fire, and fireworks, especially the illegal kind of fireworks. Ha, that means you have to let us buy illegal fireworks because it is part of our religion and you can’t discriminate against my religion no matter how ridiculous.

Oh, and since Crom was kind of modeled after the Viking God, and Conan was kind of like a Viking, and Vikings are kind of like Pirates, Crom is the Pirate God. Awesome.

Ummmm….what else….I guess that’s it. So far I think this religion looks pretty sweet. It is much better than most of the other religions I know.


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