Captain Hook
Captain Hook was the biggest pirate disgrace of all times. His real name was Steve and before he became Captain, he was Last Mate on a ship called the Righteous Retard. He got picked on constantly and was always cleaning up the poop deck. The other pirates were always making fun of him and stealing his chocolate.
One day, he tried to act cool by trying to kill and eat this small crocodile. Well, being the total nance that he was, Steve had his shit ruined by the croc who bit his hand off. The other pirates laughed so hard they shit, and they made Steve clean it up.
Well, Steve replaced his hand with a long spoon. He looked really stupid. One of the pirates tripped Steve while he was running (Steve got scared easily and was always running away from things). When Steve fell, he broke the spoon and what was left was bent in the shape of a hook, which is how he got his famous hook hand.
Eventually, Steve became too annoying to even use as a Last Mate, so the Captain marooned him on a beach somewhere. Steve eventually found his way to a traveling carnival and made friends with all the goofy Carnies. They all believed Steve’s lies about how he was a former pirate captain who kicked all kinds of ass and scored with bitches constantly. The Carnies wanted to be pirates too (who doesn’t?)
One night, Steve a few of the Carnies stole the Pirate Ship ride from the carnival and set sail to be pirates. Steve named himself Captain Hook, and his ship he named the Enterprise, because he was that much of a nerd. The first island they came across was a goofy island where this flamboyantly gay boy who wore green tights had a cult of about a dozen other boys, and there was also an Indian tribe there.
To Captain Hook and his band of misfit Carnie pirates, this was the perfect opportunity to prove themselves by kicking some ass and taking over the island. Well, wouldn’t you know, Steve and the Carnie crew got rocked by a bunch of gay boys and some Indians. They were probably raped by the gay boys, or maybe they gave in willingly, who knows.
That was the end of Captain Hook and his feeble attempt at piracy. What most people don’t know, however, is that this island was visited by another pirate ship about two years later. Blackbeard and his crew stopped at this island, most likely because they were looking for some chocolate or some ham and sausage pizza. When the gay cult leader boy made a pass at Blackbeard, he brought the pirate’s wrath upon him and the whole island was wiped out.
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