CAPTAIN MORGAN

The most badass pirate of all time, Captain Morgan was the epitome of an ass kickin’ rum drinkin’ womanizin' pirate. He took to piracy at an early age. Many historians believe that it all started when Morgan was in school. He was minding his own business at lunch and eating a big steak and some chocolate cake when this big fat smelly kid tried to start some shit. Apparently little Morgan had hooked up with this kid’s girlfriend (she was super hot and was only dating the fat kid cuz he was so rich and he had a sweet Transformers lunch box) Of course Morgan did not try to deny it, he got it on with all the best looking chicks, and their moms too. When the fat kid tried to step up, Little Morgan kicked him square in the nuts and made him cry. Then Morgan went back to eating his cake.

Well, the stupid bitch of a principal made little Morgan come to his office. He started yelling and threatening little Morgan with detention and all kinds of other crap. This just made Morgan super pissed, so he jumped up on the principal’s desk and took a big shit right in his coffee mug. Then the principal tried to give Morgan a spanking with a yard stick. Morgan would have none of that so he bitch slapped the principal so hard that he fell into a coma for like 20 years.

Now our little pirate-to-be knew that if he stuck around he would probably just end up in a juvenile home, so he set off on his own to seek his adventure. While wandering the streets of some port town somewhere, Morgan met this badass looking dude with an eye patch named Sam. This dude could tell that little Morgan was pretty cool for a kid so he gave him some rum. Later that night when Morgan was leaving a whore house, he heard some commotion in the alley. It turns out that the Sam was getting assaulted by some ninjas. Since Sam was cool and gave Morgan some rum earlier, Morgan decided to help. He grabbed a chainsaw and charged into battle. Morgan and Sam managed to fight off all of the ninjas and their heads and limbs were all strewn about the alley it and looked pretty cool.

It just so happens that Morgan’s new friend Sam was Captain of a pirate ship called the Sweet Piece of Ass and he invited Morgan to join his crew. Morgan joined Sam’s crew and had some pretty cool adventures. Before long Morgan was First mate. Together he and Captain Sam hunted humpback whales, fought with ninjas, killed old people and homos, and had all kinds of adventure with treasures and lesbians and tons of rum.

Eventually, there was this big battle with a shit load of ninjas and I think some robots too. After the battle, the Sweet Piece of Ass was mostly destroyed and Captain Sam was mortally wounded. Before he died, Captain Sam asked Morgan to round up the surviving members of the crew and find a new ship and carry on the pirate lifestyle. Morgan and the crew found a new ship, they pimped it out righteously with all kinds of gold trim and hydraulics and other cool shit. They named the ship Rum Runner and Morgan became Captain.

From then on Captain Morgan became the pirate of all pirates. In fact, when describing how much of a badass pirate someone is, people usually say “on a scale of one to Captain Morgan…” He and the crew of the Rum Runner sailed all over the place and kicked ass wherever they went. The ship was always full of hot pirate babes and barrels of rum. Captain Morgan even had his own special recipe for rum which was said to be the tastiest rum in the world.

Man, Captain Morgan kicks so much ass, I could go on forever talking about him, but I’m getting sick of writing.