WALKING THE PLANK

It turns out that pirates making people walk the plank to their death is all a myth. If pirates wanted to kill someone, they usually did it themselves, and made a fun game out of it too.

After much research I discovered that the myth of walking the plank actually came from the fact that pirates were avid divers. In fact, pirates invented the sport of diving. They didn’t do any pussy girly dives with grace and form or any of that. They mostly just did cannon balls, not surprisingly. But they also did some sweet moves like Flying Clotheslines and Drop Kicks. Believe it or not, many pro wrestling moves had their origin in pirate dives.

Once there was this pretty well-known pirate named Spastic Jack who was First Mate on a ship called the Sexy Biatch. Spastic Jack did this bitchin’ flying elbow attack off the plank to try to kill this dolphin because he was hungry. Since Jack was so drunk, he missed and only hit the dolphin’s flipper. The dolphin got all pissed and tried to start some shit but Jack punched him in the face and broke off his stupid looking bottle-like nose. Then the dolphin started crying like a wee girl. Jack tossed the dolphin onto the ship and then climbed up there and ate the dolphin like a shot of rum. He then shit the dolphin’s spine out all over the poop deck. Everyone cheered.


Back to the Righteousness